Page 4850 - Week 15 - Thursday, 8 December 1994
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While I would be tempted to suggest that Ms Follett might get work experience in the Leader of the Opposition's office, a more charitable idea would be as a TV model. I think that the 100-megawatt smile which she can generate would sell an awful lot of chocolate biscuits. Mr De Domenico might like a job as a lion tamer. He certainly seems to enjoy putting his head in lions' mouths. Of course, if he did so, Mr Lamont would certainly apply for a job as the lion. Mr Stefaniak I see getting work as a priest, being exceedingly well qualified on account of his recent experience with resurrection. Alternatively, he could be a chef specialising in twice-rising souffles.
Mr Berry would make a wonderful garbage collector, if Mr Lamont had not recently abolished them, since he has spent much of this year carrying the can for the Government. I understand, Ms Szuty, that Microsoft are looking for someone to be the human back-up when the computer spellcheck breaks down. It could be hard, though, waiting a week to get the answer to what you put in the machine. I thought Mr Kaine would have an excellent opportunity to get a job as the convenor of the Canberra mile-high club. This is because he does enjoy flying, and at least at this time last week we were all pretty high.
Mr Connolly, I think, would get work in children's TV. I understand that Mr Squiggle needs a holiday. Mr Wood could consider a career with the Victoria Police, where he would have the opportunity to shoot something other than kangaroos and his own foot. I was going to suggest before yesterday's adjournment debate that a new job for Mr Stevenson would be to try being a politician, but that now seems to be out of the question. A position as a tele-evangelist springs to mind, or perhaps one at the Bank of Israel.
Mr Cornwell could get a job, I am sure, as a baseball coach on account of his interest in Housing Trust tenants. It is he, after all, who has advocated the "three strikes and you are out" rule. I think Mrs Grassby, on the other hand, would make a wonderful Mormon, since I understand that she has been doing a great deal of doorknocking in Belconnen in the last few weeks. I also understand that, when people come to the door, she is about as popular as a Mormon. As it happens, Madam Speaker, I am in the market at the moment for a gardener, and who better to do that job than Mrs Carnell, who, I am sure, would greatly enjoy spending all day in my garden digging up weeds and tending to the grass. Ms Ellis has been cruelly overlooked by her colleagues for promotion into this Government. I think she would make a wonderful inaugural president of the republic of Tuggeranong, and I certainly would vote for her.
Ms Ellis: I already am, thanks, Mr Humphries.
MR HUMPHRIES: You already are? I beg your pardon. Mr Moore, I think, would be easily welcomed by members of the medical profession, perhaps as an ear, nose and throat specialist. Finally, Madam Speaker, it is you I turn to. I have noticed that you have a certain penchant for firm discipline, so perhaps a private sector position would be in order - very private. Might I suggest the setting up of Madam S's Chamber of Pleasure, where unruly members could be suspended, and perhaps, Madam Speaker, Mr Berry and I, as the Whips, could assist you from time to time in those premises.
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