Page 4123 - Week 15 - Thursday, 17 December 1992
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Valedictory
MR HUMPHRIES (4.19): Mrs Grassby reminds me that - - -
Mr Connolly: You can have an extension, Gary, if you want it.
MR HUMPHRIES: I can? Thank you. You are in for a special mention, so do not worry, Terry. Madam Speaker, members will have noticed that with spring in the air - at least spring is supposed to be in the air, according to the calendar - some people's thoughts have been turning to romance. At least mine have. The good thing about getting married, Madam Speaker, is that, after fraternising all day with the incurably cynical people in this place, one can go home at night, talk to one's beloved and be heard without demur or a point of order being taken.
Mrs Grassby: You wait until you are married, mate. You just wait. You are having yourself on. Wait until she has the ring on her finger.
MR HUMPHRIES: That is what it says in the book I have read.
Mr Lamont: You will be quickly disabused of that misconception.
MR HUMPHRIES: Madam Speaker, the ideal mate is, I will concede, hard to find. My male colleagues will be crushed to learn that the perfect woman does exist but will be off the market as of next April. I have recently been giving some thought as to how others in this place might find true happiness, notwithstanding my own good fortune, and I have assembled a list of those personalities who I think would make perfect partners for my colleagues in this Assembly. Some of my suggestions are, regrettably, dead, but the other qualities of my putative spouses will outweigh this disadvantage.
I think, for example, that Ms Follett would make an excellent wife for Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart because he, too, liked to call the tune and he was very fond of casinos. For Mr Kaine I would recommend Queen Boadicea. With a woman like that around, Mr Kaine would never need to watch his back. For Mr Wood I suggest the girl that used to appear in the old Coppertone ads - the one on the beach with her panties being pulled down by the dog from behind. With her, for most of the time, the pink bits are covered up. The perfect match for Mr De Domenico, I think, is Margaret Whitlam, who would always keep him on his toes.
For Mr Moore I recommend the singer, Janis Joplin. That way he would never be short of sex, drugs or rock'n'roll. I think Queen Anne would be a great partner for Mr Connolly. Queen Anne had 14 children, which is just what the right wing of the ACT branch of the Labor Party could do with at the moment. Mr Cornwell and Mr Westende could fight it out for Marilyn Monroe, who of course would be a perfect partner for them since she also was rather blonde on top. Ms Ellis, I think, would be best suited by some kind of open marriage arrangement. I had in mind a sort of Indian ashram, a sort of communal marriage, with people coming in and going out, and it would be open to all members of the Tuggeranong community to take part in that open marriage.
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